Ignorance...

Why grade-schoolers ignore their parents

You ask your grade-schooler to put away his construction set, but he continues building bridge after tunnel after roadway. Or you tell him to hang up his towel after showering — and he leaves it lying in a heap on the bathroom floor. Why is he ignoring you?

Two things may be going on here: "Grade-schoolers can be so intensely focused on play that they're unable to make room for your requests," says Roni Leiderman, associate dean of the Family Center at Nova Southeastern University in Fort Lauderdale. On the other hand, kids this age are developing their own opinions about you — and your "stupid" rules — and it's much easier to simply ignore you than it is to resist or concede. The key is getting your grade-schooler to cooperate while giving him space to practice his independence.

What to do when your grade-schooler ignores you

Be clear and realistic. Make sure your requests are specific and doable. If you say, "Clean the garage," your grade-schooler may manage to push the clutter around a bit. But if you say, "Please sweep the floor and stack the newspapers in a neat pile for recycling," he'll know exactly what to do. Try to be specific about what you expect in the way of timing, too. It's better to tell him to be in bed by nine than to warn him not to stay up too late — after all, chances are good that his definition of "too late" is different from yours!

Since some tasks can still seem pretty daunting to a child this age — and because it's easy to assume that grade-schoolers know more than they actually do — it might also help to lead him through a big job for the first time. If he's never weeded the flowerbed before, show him how to differentiate the bad guys from the heirloom wildflowers and how to pull them up by the roots. Not only does this provide real bonding time for you and your grade-schooler, but the next time you ask him to weed there'll be no doubt in your mind that he knows how.

Simplify your requests. You grade-schooler may be ignoring you because he doesn't understand what you're asking him to do. Try to keep your directives simple, with no more than three or four steps at most ("Please go to the upstairs bathroom, look under the sink, and bring the bandages back to me").

Follow through. If you ask your grade-schooler to get dressed before school, encourage every step he makes toward that goal. If he refuses, simply lead him to the car with shoes in hand. When you ask him not to bounce the ball in the house and he keeps using the walls as a backboard, take it away from him until he's ready to cooperate.

Motivate your grade-schooler. The truth is, we're all tempted to answer, "Because I said so!" when our youngster baits us once too often. But there are better ways to motivate your child to cooperate with your requests. Try to remember that you don't want him to do the right thing because he's afraid not to. You want him to do the right thing because he wants to. Grade-schoolers love to please, so compliments and encouragement will go a long way toward getting yours to comply with your wishes. ("Zach, thank you so much for fixing your own breakfast" or "Wow, you really are growing up, aren't you?")

You might also give your grade-schooler an incentive for doing what you ask: "When you put the puzzle pieces back in the box, we can go shoot some hoops." (Hint: Don't say "If you put the puzzle pieces in the box.") A child this age may also get a kick out of having a written contract that states: Sam will hang up his towel and put his clothes in the hamper every time he takes a shower. When he has done this for seven days in a row, Mom will take him swimming with a friend. Sign it, let him color it or add computer graphics, and then post the contract where he can see it. He'll not only feel included in the process, your grade-schooler will appreciate the level of responsibility the contract bestows on him.

Use alternatives to "no." If your child ignores you when you tell him no, maybe it's because he hears it too often. Try other approaches to the N-word. Rather than barking, "No! Don't kick the ball in the kitchen," for instance, say, "Please go play ball in the yard." And instead of saying, "No, you can't have a piece of candy now," tell him, "You can pick something from the fruit bowl," or "You can have some dessert after lunch." When you give a child a choice, you're giving him a chance to assert himself in an acceptable way.

Say yes instead of no whenever you can, too, and take every opportunity to encourage rather than dissuade him. If he's excited about the idea of painting his own room, for instance, respond by saying, "Sure, you can try!" or "Daddy will help you" — which both sound a lot more positive than "I don't think so."

Naturally, there will be plenty of times when you have to be firm about stopping him from eating sweets before dinner or playing computer games 'til midnight. The point is, choose your battles and put your foot down only when you must. If you provide an environment that's both safe and stimulating (the YMCA as opposed to Grandma's china-filled living room, for instance), your youngster can exercise his independence with few holds barred.

Try to be understanding. Imagine you're reading a novel or chatting with a friend when, all of a sudden, you're ordered to stop what you're doing because something else has to be done right now. The reality is that we don't always have time to cajole our grade-schoolers into the car or beg them to get ready for school. But whenever possible, it really helps to give your youngster notice before you rush him into the next activity or errand: "We're leaving in ten minutes, honey, so finish up." If your child is like most, he still won't be thrilled about having to wrap up a baseball game or leave a party, but at least he's had fair warning that it's time to switch gears.

If your grade-schooler seems to ignore you more often than he listens, talk to his pediatrician about the problem. The doctor may recommend a hearing test or other developmental evaluations.